It's a long one...it's one of those just for the record type of posts

No one should have to see their newborn baby look like this.

But I did.
It was 16 days and nights before Eli got to be home in his bassinet with us.
It was 9 days before I slept in the same room as my newborn.
Everyone asked when I was going to be discharged from the hospital. They asked "is he staying in your room with you yet?" I said "I was discharged 2 days after he was born. I'm staying in HIS room." He was in room H39.

I cried when my sister left on day 2 of this fiasco.
I cried in the car to and from the hospital-every time. Empty car seat and the anxiety of what could have happened when I wasn't there.
I cried when I tried to call my sister. Even during good moments-I couldn't do it.
I cried when they didn't get the spinal fluid the first time...and the 2nd time. (I may have cried with happiness that they got it the 3rd time).
I cried hard with Andy reading aloud the first blog entry my sister wrote, and many after. (to read click here )
I cried with fear that he wouldn't know us as his parents. It was like getting babysitters right away when we would leave for an hour.
I cried when I asked the doctors if Eli was going to die and there was a pause and nobody answered me. (Of course he wasn't going to, but they had no clue what was going on-and how scary of a response).
I cried when I would log onto facebook and friends of my sister that I did not even know or friends/family that I have not talked to in a while showed support.
I cried when they gave us a hard time about staying over night the first night Eli was in the ICU.
I cried when I was hooking up the breast pump in the pumping room of the ICU-instead of breastfeeding in bed at home.
I cried when I tried to listen to music-no matter the song, but specifically "A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion and "Say Hey (I love you)" by Michael Franti and "Beautiful Boy" By Celine Dion.
I cried the first night Andy didn't stay at the hospital with me.
I cried when I missed Bailee and felt like she didn't know how much I still loved her.
I cried when I told Eli about all his Aunts and Uncles and cousins-ALL of them.
I cried after visits with people because I didn't want to sit in the waiting room and talk, I wanted to be by Eli...yet I appreciated the visit. I cried because that was confusing and people who traveled far like my brother, could not get in to see him.
I cried when Eli got the nurse who wouldn't let me breastfeed and wouldn't fight for it with the doctors.
I cried when I downloaded my first 100 pictures of Eli and they allll had medical equipment in them.
I cried when we got the nurse who rushed around and came in every beep of the monitor when other nurses had convinced us that those first beeps were ok.
I cried when they gave him his first bath (at Froedtert prior to Children's) without telling us.
I cried when one doctor (on call in the middle of the night) told us that we could have Elijah's belly button surgically fixed (for cosmetic reasons) when we were worried about a new rash and had no concerns with his belly button. She also forced me to play with a teddy bear in front of Eli to cheer me up.
I cried when I was reading books to my little guy in the ICU instead of in our new glider.
I cried when Eli cried during his car seat test.
I cried when he got new IV's (multiple in both hands, one in the foot/ankle, and one in the belly button).
I cried when I felt bad worrying about finances and medical bills.
I cried one night when the nurses didn't come in the room as soon as I wanted them to and I cried when I complained to the nurse manager about it.
I cried when they wanted to give him a new IV the night before he was supposed to leave-forced the nurse to call the doctors in the middle of the night and had Andy drive to the hospital at midnight as well to fight for no new IV.
I cried when they moved Eli from one room to another further away from the nurses station.
I cried when I realized they moved Eli to another room and didn't move his picture his cousin Charley drew.
I cried when I thought about how many people loved him and never met him.
I cried when I got heartfelt text messages from friends who didn't want to bother me but wanted to show support.

Andy and I cried a lot. Both of us, usually at different times. As one was weak, the other was strong. It was amazing how our relationship worked during this hard time. The 2 weeks after Eli was born was probably the most time I have ever spent with Andy. We hardly left each other's side... I remember one specific moment where Andy went to get breakfast and I was pumping in our little parenting room. I couldn't call him because we couldn't use the phone in that room and it was so hard to be away from him-he was my rock. At certain points I would look at Andy and think..."I'm not the only one going through this. He is Elijah's parent too". Being the Dad during pregnancy does not leave you many duties. I know this was hard for Andy. There was only so much carrying of heavy objects and rubbing of my feet that he could do. I knew he was looking forward to physically having that child to help me out with being a parent, and when Eli was in the hospital, I would sometimes look at Andy and realize how hard it was for him-his real dad duties STILL hadn't started. When Eli got moved to the ICU at Children's Hospital, the nurses had us get involved in his care. It was awesome. Whenever they asked us to change diapers-I always had Andy do it. Not because I didn't want to, but because I wanted Andy to get his hands on the little guy. (He didn't get to hold Eli for the first day).

My mom also came to visit a few times. I know she was acting very strong too. She just showed up one day-left work early and drove an hour (maybe even through rush hour) and put on the yellow gown and blue gloves-yeah she wanted to see Elijah but I know she also was just supporting me. She was prepared to give the nurses and doctors a hard time if they weren't right there to help us. She often brought food or a little something for Eli and understood when I just needed a moment or couldn't concentrate on outside stuff or didn't ask her how her day was.
And then there were my friends. One of my closest-Peggy who was DYING to get her hands on little Eli and could hardly believe he existed since she couldn't see him. I know Peggy and I know it was hurting her that she couldn't talk to me whenever she wanted...knowing she had to give me space when I was busy or emotional. I could hear it in her voice too when I did talk to her. She was so supportive of me during my pregnancy and I knew she would be a big part of our baby's life when he/she arrived...but this was unexpected-that she wouldn't be able to see the baby right away! She took me out for ice cream, met me for lunch if I needed it, organized lunches for me from co-workers and did get to be one of the first to hold Eli when the time was right. My other closest friend Melissa made a special trip and just spent time with Andy and I eating breakfast. How cool that she made that effort when she couldn't even see Eli. She brought along lots of treats for us, army shoes for Eli and even something for Bailee. And then there were my coworkers. They fed Andy and I. Every day there was a different yummy meal. This provided us time out of the medical environment and kept us strong enough to get through this time. So appreciated.
And then there was baby Eli. He had his ups and downs. And he was SO tiny-but he fought. He was such a fighter. I'll never forget a text I got from my friend Colleen who said "We are so proud of you and you're little soldier." And I thought DAMN RIGHT-he IS a soldier. That was another crying moment. Such a small body who went through so much. Too much.

But there were so many good moments too-and I'm not going to list them all. But there now is a HUGE spot in my heart for the nurses and doctors of Children's Hospital. They were SO awesome. I can't believe it-because I work with doctors and nurses in my job and the men and women who took care of Eli were soooo special to Andy and I. Andy made sure to remember each nurses name and I made sure to say thank you every time we left Eli's bedside. Some were more personal than others-but most of them were not afraid to tell us "This is normal" or "yeah this was unexpected" or even to look up a lab value for us right away. They would call me in the middle of the night to tell me Eli was ready to eat. They would be there in a heartbeat but they wouldn't hover if Andy and I needed a minute. Being away from Eli was anxiety filled time. Every time we were on our way back to the hospital after a short stint away we would get nervous that if we rounded the corner Eli might be back on oxygen or might be getting an x-ray for this or that. The nurses were always there to explain everything to us. And if a doctor left the room and we looked perplexed, they were RIGHT there to review what was talked about and what was going to happen. They all had different swaddling styles but all held Eli with care and love. Every time we walked up to Eli's room they would update us-did he poop, did he cry, did he have a gas smile etc. One particular doctor captured Andy's and my attention. He was the nicest and calmest man and man did he know his stuff. Every morning we made sure we were there as he "rounded" on Eli and answered all of our questions. This was the most important part of our day as this was when all our fears were put to rest. I think it's safe to say that Dr. Sampath saved our little son. Andy and I would feel very anxious and SURE that something was wrong and he was there to ease it all and we walked away laughing each time-knowing that everything was going to be ok...just from talking to this man. Hooray for Children's Hospital-we cannot say enough about this staff of people who truly make miracles happen.

Andy and I still cannot believe that we had a child that had to be in the ICU. We still cannot believe we didn't have a "text book" version of labor and delivery. I feel like things weren't fair. I feel like I didn't get the full experience of being a new mommy with a new baby. And that might be true-but I am trying to look at it like our experience was just different.
We grew up very fast during those first few weeks. We had to make decisions, worry about finances, do lots of explaining, sign papers, ask questions...about our brand new son that nobody EVER thinks they will have to. In addition to just plain loving him up-and that is usually enough for new parents right!? Frequently we thought we should ask for a Chaplin, but I think Andy and I did our fair share of praying on our own. That in combination with everyone else who was pulling for us-Eli made it through and he is just PERFECT.

We shouldn't have gone through that. But we did. We made it. And now we have a very healthy little boy on our hands. At one point I looked at Andy and said "Do you think this is a bad dream?". I don't remember his answer. No matter how hard that time was, I'm so glad it wasn't. It has taken me weeks to type this...and yes i cried the whole time. . It's amazing what the human body can do-no matter how small. And yes, it's true what all mom's say-I would do it again.