I decided to post this on my Moving On Blog versus the Gluten Free side bar because this is me...trying to MOVE ON from stuff-including this Big D.
Denial.
I still can convince myself I don't have Celiac's disease. Literally. I can have a conversation and ask Andy if he thinks I really have it. I laugh as soon as I ask the question because I know it's ridiculous. All the pieces of the puzzle fit. I have all the diagnostic factors. But I haven't accepted it yet. Right now it's just -this thing- I have to deal with. I can't get over it. I can't move on.
Last week was worse than this week-emotionally. I'm not sure why. Maybe because we met with the GI doctor and things got confirmed (again, yes again). This upcoming weekend I will be traveling and out of my house for a few nights. I'm worried. I'm planning ahead and will be surrounded by people who love me. I'm not going to starve in 1 weekend. But I feel like such a normal person to have this disease. I call it "this disease" because I feel so foolish saying it out loud.
The hardest part is just not really feeling much different. I think many can transition to the gluten free diet fast and furious because their symptoms get better. I don't feel much different and I worry that nothing will really change. Yet I'll be forced to do this forever. And sometimes when I get sick I say to Andy "Well, I've been completely gluten free. I must not have it, it must really be colon cancer or something right?". He reminds me of the rum and diet coke I had the night before that may have upset my stomach.
All day long I mutter "Moving on...". It's just a phrase that I use. I use it when I feel emotional or preoccupied by something. I use it after a patient has sucked the life out of me. I use it when I get frustrated with the way I am treated by another human being. I use it after I rant about the things I want to be different in my life. But for this gluten free stuff.....I just haven't been able to say "moving on...". I'm just in denial.
I can be completely honest on this blog. I'm not going to sugar coat it ....this is me. Some may that is a negative outlook.
But I'm not writing my blog for those readers. I'm writing it for me. The me that is in denial.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
5 o'clock shadow
Bailee. Yes Bailee has a 5 o'clock shadow. She's a girl...she can't shave it!
Ok for real-we're not talking about an almost-beard. We're talking about Bailee seeing her shadow. Literally, at 5 o'clock.
A few months ago I was having headaches. Terrible, horrible headaches. Every day. Usually they started at work, almost as soon as I got to work. I went to my doctor and we both blamed it on stress-since they started at work and usually went away at night. While meeting with the doctor we talked about my stress, eating, exercise, medications (I wasn't on any) and sleeping patterns. She found my sleep to be interesting.
Andy was along at this appointment and can vouch for how extensive our conversation was about my sleep. I didn't realize that it wasn't normal to not sleep through the night. Many people wake up often during the night or some have problems falling asleep. I told her that on a good night I probably would wake up at least 6 times. I know this because I would check the clock at least that many times and the next morning could remember what times I always was awake. She thought this was weird and wondered what was keeping me awake. Nothing was keeping me awake, I could go right back to sleep. But I would get woken up over every little thing.
My mom nagged, and nagged and nagged and nagged (isn't that what mom's are for?) and of COURSE she was right (Mom's are always right). I was waking up all the time because Bailee was in bed with us. She would go over the covers, under the covers, over the covers, under the covers. Sometimes she would squeeze between our legs and other times stick her sticato-straight legs into my back or butt or face. Andy and I decided...it was time. Bailee needed her own bed. ( I liked how that sounded, not like we were kicking her out or anything-we were giving HER the opportunity to get a good nights sleep as well).
The transition was awesome. Grandma Barb bought her a new doggy bed-plush and brown just like our comforter. She dragged a blanket in there and started sleeping there every. single. night. There really was no transition. The first few nights she would come stand by the side of the bed and whine and we just had to tell her "go lay on your bed" and she did! And now I only wake up 1-2 times/night to check the clock. WOW! I'm probably getting much better sleep.
But that 5 o'clock shadow. Let's get back to that. Every morning Bailee wakes up. It never fails. She gets up at 5 am. She comes to the bed and whines. We started letting her come back up on the bed in the morning knowing my alarm was going off in 15 minutes. But it never fails. NEVER. She (must) see her shadow at 5 am and realize that it's time to come up on the big bed. Amazing. Love that pup and can't turn her down. I love that 15 minute snuggle with her. And I'm pretty sure Andy loves it too.
(FYI: Now I know better-most likely the headaches were related to my celiac's disease.)
Ok for real-we're not talking about an almost-beard. We're talking about Bailee seeing her shadow. Literally, at 5 o'clock.
A few months ago I was having headaches. Terrible, horrible headaches. Every day. Usually they started at work, almost as soon as I got to work. I went to my doctor and we both blamed it on stress-since they started at work and usually went away at night. While meeting with the doctor we talked about my stress, eating, exercise, medications (I wasn't on any) and sleeping patterns. She found my sleep to be interesting.
Andy was along at this appointment and can vouch for how extensive our conversation was about my sleep. I didn't realize that it wasn't normal to not sleep through the night. Many people wake up often during the night or some have problems falling asleep. I told her that on a good night I probably would wake up at least 6 times. I know this because I would check the clock at least that many times and the next morning could remember what times I always was awake. She thought this was weird and wondered what was keeping me awake. Nothing was keeping me awake, I could go right back to sleep. But I would get woken up over every little thing.
My mom nagged, and nagged and nagged and nagged (isn't that what mom's are for?) and of COURSE she was right (Mom's are always right). I was waking up all the time because Bailee was in bed with us. She would go over the covers, under the covers, over the covers, under the covers. Sometimes she would squeeze between our legs and other times stick her sticato-straight legs into my back or butt or face. Andy and I decided...it was time. Bailee needed her own bed. ( I liked how that sounded, not like we were kicking her out or anything-we were giving HER the opportunity to get a good nights sleep as well).
The transition was awesome. Grandma Barb bought her a new doggy bed-plush and brown just like our comforter. She dragged a blanket in there and started sleeping there every. single. night. There really was no transition. The first few nights she would come stand by the side of the bed and whine and we just had to tell her "go lay on your bed" and she did! And now I only wake up 1-2 times/night to check the clock. WOW! I'm probably getting much better sleep.
But that 5 o'clock shadow. Let's get back to that. Every morning Bailee wakes up. It never fails. She gets up at 5 am. She comes to the bed and whines. We started letting her come back up on the bed in the morning knowing my alarm was going off in 15 minutes. But it never fails. NEVER. She (must) see her shadow at 5 am and realize that it's time to come up on the big bed. Amazing. Love that pup and can't turn her down. I love that 15 minute snuggle with her. And I'm pretty sure Andy loves it too.
(FYI: Now I know better-most likely the headaches were related to my celiac's disease.)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
OLD
Today I shopped for a "potty" for Eli. I know..it's pushing it and way to early to consider potty training him. But he says "potty!" and sits on it at day care. So today I bought a potty chair for the little guy.
Meanwhile, my friend was shopping for "drapes". What are those you ask? Well if you ask, you must not be as old as us! We felt we aged ourselves today, buying potty chairs and drapes. Where did our 20's go?
Hee Hee.
Meanwhile, my friend was shopping for "drapes". What are those you ask? Well if you ask, you must not be as old as us! We felt we aged ourselves today, buying potty chairs and drapes. Where did our 20's go?
Hee Hee.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
last night.......
Eli leaned on the white gate at the top of our basement stairs and I saw it fall but I couldn't get to it in time and he held on and he landed on the floor on top of the gate which was on bailee's food and water dishes.
Man did he cry. I thought he was going to fly down to the bottom of the stairs.
At dinner he saw one of his new thomas books and started shaking and crying huge tears when I didn't let him look at it.
He fell while IN the bathtub once because he was splashing too much.
He fell outside of the tub when andy took him out because he was stomping around in wet bare feet.
His voice was hoarse from screaming/yelling during naptime at debbies.
It was sort of a disaster in our house last night.
Man did he cry. I thought he was going to fly down to the bottom of the stairs.
At dinner he saw one of his new thomas books and started shaking and crying huge tears when I didn't let him look at it.
He fell while IN the bathtub once because he was splashing too much.
He fell outside of the tub when andy took him out because he was stomping around in wet bare feet.
His voice was hoarse from screaming/yelling during naptime at debbies.
It was sort of a disaster in our house last night.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
"I Thomas"
Dear Elijah,
Tonight my heart is breaking. About 20 minutes after you had been quiet in your crib you started to whimper. It wasn't long before it turned into an all out wail and daddy and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. After 20 more minutes I decided to come talk to you. You were standing in your crib and Teddy was all wet from your big, real tears. I wanted to cry my own tears that you were so upset. I asked you what was wrong. All you would say is "thomas, thomas, thomas". I tried to gently tell you that Thomas was sleeping and that we all have to go night night. You got more upset. I gave in. (Someday you will realize why this is such a naughty thing for a mommy to do). I picked you and Teddy up and sat in our rocker in the dark and asked you what was bothering you. You still wailed. And repeated. And repeated. But what was that? I don't understand what you're saying? "I Thomas. I Thomas. I Thomas". I feel like such a bad mom. Why don't I know what the I in I Thomas means? Are you Thomas? Hi Thomas? I was so confused Bubs. I just didn't know what you wanted. I continued to tell you that he was sleeping. The blubbering continued and I wanted to sob with you. It was real sobbing. You have never done that before. It was the type of crying you can't get ahold on and you feel like you can't breathe. I remember doing this when I was little too but not as little as you. I tried so hard to understand what was bothering you. What you needed. Wanted. "I Thomas".
"I, I, I, I" as you tried to catch your breath and then "I Thomas" when you finally did.
So I gave in. Caved again. I turned on the light and we read BOTH books about trains. I HATE HATE HATE to break it to you but now that you are old enough to read this, you'll understand. Neither of those trains are even the real Thomas. But it melts my heart that you thought it was. I let you hug and kiss Thomas in the book and tried to get you to say Night Night Thomas. You said "Bye Thomas". But when I shut off the light you started again. So upset. I wanted to do anything for you to help ease this Thomas pain. I offered to let you take the book to bed with you. That's when I found out Daddy was listening on the monitor. He's BIG BAD DAD. He stomped in the room and said "Eli, time for night night" and picked you up. You were quiet right away and melted into his arms. After he finally put you down, you resumed your very upset "I, I, I" (can't catch your breath) "I Thomas". Daddy said I had to just let you cry about it. Sure enough, 15 minutes later you fell asleep. I would give anything to sneak in and see your tired little body and have you know how much I love you for all that just happened. I could probably have my own uncontrollable crying fit just thinking about YOU and how much I love you.
I continue to be amazed by little ol' you. I love the stage your in. It's amazing. You are saying almost anything. You make yourself right at home no matter where you are and within minutes of arriving you are all business-playing hardcore. You try to "jump" all over and dance with style. You know your nightly routine and are an exceptional cleaner-upper. I LOVE IT. I love to watch you pick up each block and car with love and put them in the right spot. You now use towels to wipe up the floor. You crack up giving Bailee treats and you pet her with gentle care. You jabber all day long saying things that sound like "Monya, monye money, budgies, bunye" etc. You can point at things in books when I ask you to and you are able to indicate which book is the one we will be reading next. You can take off your own shoes and socks, can pull your pants up and down and you even try to get your diaper off. You love cars, are obsessed with trains, would order tomatoes, cucumbers and budgies (berries) for every meal. You sleep longer on the weekends, let daddy brush your teeth and blow me away with how you attempt to imitate daddy and me. I am truly speechless at all you have and continue to learn each and every week.
Please know that you really tugged at my heart strings tonight and that I probably should not have caved and picked you up, or read you those books and let you kiss "Thomas" and I fear that it just delayed and elongated the process and you ended up more upset than you were. But you little man....are mine and I would do anything for you.
Love,
Mama
Tonight my heart is breaking. About 20 minutes after you had been quiet in your crib you started to whimper. It wasn't long before it turned into an all out wail and daddy and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. After 20 more minutes I decided to come talk to you. You were standing in your crib and Teddy was all wet from your big, real tears. I wanted to cry my own tears that you were so upset. I asked you what was wrong. All you would say is "thomas, thomas, thomas". I tried to gently tell you that Thomas was sleeping and that we all have to go night night. You got more upset. I gave in. (Someday you will realize why this is such a naughty thing for a mommy to do). I picked you and Teddy up and sat in our rocker in the dark and asked you what was bothering you. You still wailed. And repeated. And repeated. But what was that? I don't understand what you're saying? "I Thomas. I Thomas. I Thomas". I feel like such a bad mom. Why don't I know what the I in I Thomas means? Are you Thomas? Hi Thomas? I was so confused Bubs. I just didn't know what you wanted. I continued to tell you that he was sleeping. The blubbering continued and I wanted to sob with you. It was real sobbing. You have never done that before. It was the type of crying you can't get ahold on and you feel like you can't breathe. I remember doing this when I was little too but not as little as you. I tried so hard to understand what was bothering you. What you needed. Wanted. "I Thomas".
"I, I, I, I" as you tried to catch your breath and then "I Thomas" when you finally did.
So I gave in. Caved again. I turned on the light and we read BOTH books about trains. I HATE HATE HATE to break it to you but now that you are old enough to read this, you'll understand. Neither of those trains are even the real Thomas. But it melts my heart that you thought it was. I let you hug and kiss Thomas in the book and tried to get you to say Night Night Thomas. You said "Bye Thomas". But when I shut off the light you started again. So upset. I wanted to do anything for you to help ease this Thomas pain. I offered to let you take the book to bed with you. That's when I found out Daddy was listening on the monitor. He's BIG BAD DAD. He stomped in the room and said "Eli, time for night night" and picked you up. You were quiet right away and melted into his arms. After he finally put you down, you resumed your very upset "I, I, I" (can't catch your breath) "I Thomas". Daddy said I had to just let you cry about it. Sure enough, 15 minutes later you fell asleep. I would give anything to sneak in and see your tired little body and have you know how much I love you for all that just happened. I could probably have my own uncontrollable crying fit just thinking about YOU and how much I love you.
I continue to be amazed by little ol' you. I love the stage your in. It's amazing. You are saying almost anything. You make yourself right at home no matter where you are and within minutes of arriving you are all business-playing hardcore. You try to "jump" all over and dance with style. You know your nightly routine and are an exceptional cleaner-upper. I LOVE IT. I love to watch you pick up each block and car with love and put them in the right spot. You now use towels to wipe up the floor. You crack up giving Bailee treats and you pet her with gentle care. You jabber all day long saying things that sound like "Monya, monye money, budgies, bunye" etc. You can point at things in books when I ask you to and you are able to indicate which book is the one we will be reading next. You can take off your own shoes and socks, can pull your pants up and down and you even try to get your diaper off. You love cars, are obsessed with trains, would order tomatoes, cucumbers and budgies (berries) for every meal. You sleep longer on the weekends, let daddy brush your teeth and blow me away with how you attempt to imitate daddy and me. I am truly speechless at all you have and continue to learn each and every week.
Please know that you really tugged at my heart strings tonight and that I probably should not have caved and picked you up, or read you those books and let you kiss "Thomas" and I fear that it just delayed and elongated the process and you ended up more upset than you were. But you little man....are mine and I would do anything for you.
Love,
Mama
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Super Sunday
On Sunday there was a whole lot of this........
 |
| I had a green G on my cheek-you can't see. |
The kids got to eat in the kitchen/living room area so nobody missed any of the game.
 |
| E and M helped us celebrate! |
 |
| All 4 of these guys are hoping for a repeat next year! |
30 y 1 d
Happy 30th birthday (1 day late) to my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I love this picture of you! I hope all your birthday surprises make you smile this year (we are celebrating all week long).
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Go Packers
Superbowl 2011 morning. I wake up (Eli's at Grandma's this morning) and Andy is already on the couch. Smirk on his face.
"It's starting" he says.
"What? The Packer hype?"
"Yeah, I've been watching. It's finally hit me".
I needed to go do some birthday shopping for him. He was making brownies for the Superbowl party we're going to. When I came home-he wouldn't let me in the dining room. Finally he let me see what he was doing.
Now he wants to go get some face paint. And he's whooping and jumping up and down. He stood at the back window with a yogurt (his healthy lunch) and stared at the light snow falling down. The perfect day for a win. I knew he was still smirking. He said "it's really hitting me" (The Packers are in the Superbowl). He is now running around upstairs, WHISTLING and putting on his Packer gear. I LOVE that he is so excited. It's making my heart race to see him so happy. Go Pack Go!!
"It's starting" he says.
"What? The Packer hype?"
"Yeah, I've been watching. It's finally hit me".
I needed to go do some birthday shopping for him. He was making brownies for the Superbowl party we're going to. When I came home-he wouldn't let me in the dining room. Finally he let me see what he was doing.
He.
Is.
Excited.
 |
| These are not-gluten free. So I have my own decorated Packer Cookies from my mom that she bought from the Gluten Free Store! |
Now he wants to go get some face paint. And he's whooping and jumping up and down. He stood at the back window with a yogurt (his healthy lunch) and stared at the light snow falling down. The perfect day for a win. I knew he was still smirking. He said "it's really hitting me" (The Packers are in the Superbowl). He is now running around upstairs, WHISTLING and putting on his Packer gear. I LOVE that he is so excited. It's making my heart race to see him so happy. Go Pack Go!!
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