It will be our tradition for the boys to write Santa a letter on Christmas Eve and leave out some cookies.
Last year Eli's letter and cookies looked like this:
This year...very similar, but with different words to the big man in red.
I have to admit, the honor of being a parent on Christmas-watching the joy in your child's whole body-is amazing. Such a blessing. Tonight at Church I looked at each child and smiled, knowing that they were trying to control the excitement that was oooooozing because of Santa. Having kids makes holidays even more joyous.
No matter how cheesy it may be, I love to see pictures of what makes Christmas special to others. Facebook is full of friends and family and their decorated tree. I love to peruse through pictures of babies first Christmas stocking, Santa visit, Christmas cookie baking sessions. I love the whole season and grew up with many traditions of my own. Every year the traditions change a little bit and it makes my heart ache to give up going here, doing this and most of all seeing certain people.
I'm gonna jump around a little bit here but I want to ask you something.
Do you know Grandma Barb? Do you like her? If so...you would love Grandma Dort. Grandma Dort was my favorite relative growing up. She was the one who I got most excited to see and spend time with. She taught me a lot about the Christmas spirit.
Every year we would drive to Grandma Dort's house and spend a few days there. We would have a Christmas party or two and then spend the rest of the time playing games, eating, going to church and listening to her laugh. I miss her. And right around this time of year I let myself (usually silently) remember her and all the times we did have together.
Everyone always says that she was "ready" when we would arrive. If she was hosting the party for extended family members-she'd have the basement ready with the crazy long table cloth on her round (poker?) table, and the Santa that walked and rang his bell would be ready to go. She would (or so I've been told because I was too little to care) have her homemade cheese ball ready and say "what are we playing?". Give me a homemade cheese ball and crackers now and I'd be in my glory. Especially if I was sitting next to her to play Clue or The Gambler.
It's crazy how much I remember from her house. I can remember textures and colors and even the front door handle even though we always came in the backdoor. I know the playground equipment we played on across the street at the school. I can still feel her weird basement carpet and how it felt and sounded to spin around the painted cement (?) poles in the basement. I can remember the texture of the walls in the basement and the hard floor on the "other" side of the basement. The sound of the furnace kicking on would scare me. I can still remember the crazy green padded kitchen chairs and how the dishwasher had to move to the other side of the room to run. The white couch I would plunk myself down on and yell "Huck-a-buck-a-beanstalk!". The small bathroom downstairs is where we caught a cricket in a boggle case and right outside that door is where I slept between my brother and sister in our sleeping bags. We would chat. Read. Listen to our Walkman. Hear the adults walking around upstairs. This after a long day of arguing over the rules to Rook or catching my brother cheating or not being honest at the Clue game.
One year my Grandma must have had surgery on her hip or her knee. She needed help getting ready for Christmas. After Thanksgiving at our house, she let me ride home with her and my Great Aunt and Uncle to spend the weekend with her. I was her helper. I'll never forget it because it was a series of moments just shared between us two. I put up her artificial tree-every branch needed to be adjusted. We hung ornaments and wrapped presents. This was also where I learned to play penny poker with her strict you-better-follow-the-rules brothers and sisters. We laughed when we realized our chicken in our tv dinner wasn't bleeding but instead it was the color of the red potholder beneath it that was showing through.
A few nights ago I was showing Andy my little pillow I sleep with which is falling apart. It is literally falling apart and he wonders when I will get rid of it. But I had to explain that I got it from my Grandma Dort. I told him the story of how it fell out of my trunk on a trip once and I didn't realize it until my my mom and I were walking out of the movie theatre and cars were driving over it. Wheels---driving on top of my pillow...on the ground-in the dark. No, I can't get rid of it. So that night I told him more about my favorite relative. I told him how I wonder what our relationship would be like if she was still here today. Would we still be going to her house? Would I still get excited to see her white car round the corner? Would she love to teach Eli how to play "Who's It"? I told him how she unexpectedly passed away and all the details that I remember. I didn't realize I hadn't told him that story and he very seriously said "I didn't know any of that". I let myself have a few moments to feel sad but then my heart smiled as I visited her house in my mind. I went through each room and let myself crawl on the floors of the different textured carpet (Crazy green carpet in the living room) and remember her furniture. She has small touches in my house that I will never ever get rid of-including my little pillow.
I have moments where I truly believe it's not Christmas without her. I hope she can feel that and I hope it makes her proud to know how much she meant to me.
But then....I remember where life is now. What I have now is also something that could never be replaced. Now I have an Elijah and a Hugh-Lou. And these guys have a Grandma Barb and a Grandma Roeder. And there are traditions and carpet textures that they will get to remember. And I get to watch it as an adult. I love to watch Hugh smile at Grandma Barb and hear Eli ask if he can pull out the different toys. I bet Eli will remember the brown table by the couches that he builds Lego's on with Grandpa Bob. Someday Hugh will remember the big bathtub that he gets to share a bubble session with his cousins. Some day, far in the future the boys will remember that there is usually a cooler on the screened in porch full of yummy drinks and that the bloody mary's are made on the washing machine. The park around the corner will be exciting and then boring as they age but they will still visit it-I know it. I see the joy when Eli hops up and down and says "Can we go to Grandma Roeders?". I know I'll never forget what it feels like to walk in the door and add my shoes to the pile of 30 other pairs. The stockingssss (because there are so many) are hung up on the ceiling rafter and there is always someone in the kitchen. Always. Although some of the rooms (remodeled) may look different this Christmas-one could never tire of watching the snow fall out the big front window while sitting at the family dinner (picnic) table together. Butt after butt after butt sitting right next to each other.
So...Grandma Dort...it's not Christmas without you. I miss you. Your house. Your lasagna. Your special mashed potato bake. Your grapefruit and comics/newspaper in the morning. Your basement. Your Christmas cookies. You and Aunt Ellie's hinders in the air as you snoop under the tree. The way you threw your head back and laughed when we played games. When you would say "Donit?" instead of "Don't it" which always made me thing of a frosted white donut. All of that and more. I truly know you and Andy would adore each other. I hope you are smiling down, watching us all continue some traditions and start new ones. As we pile into the house and spend time together.
Hugh has learned the signal for Touchdown!!! But of course he didn't learn it from watching the Packer game. He learned it just like any other SOOOOO big little boy.
(Disclaimer-He had a breakfast of bananas and black beans for breakfast-not chocolate pudding).
I've been struggling with some back problems since Hughie was born. They aren't severe but they are bad enough to make me complain and see a doctor. I don't have a real good answer but have been chatting with Andy about if our mattress could be the problem?
(Not our bed)
We have a real old mattress. I'm not going to trace it back because that is embarrassing, so lets just say it is darn old. It is time for a new one. Our bed frame and headboard are fine--it's just the mattress that needs to be replaced.
A few years ago I remember my brother telling me that he had so much fun buying a mattress. I'll never forget he said "Get a new mattress. It will change your life". Hmmmm....could a new bed change my life?
If you know me, you know I love my sleep. Naps and bedtime....yes please! If a new mattress makes these relaxing occasions even better I will be a glass is half full kinda gal!
I need to remember that shopping for a mattress is not like looking at fun bedroom pictures on pintrest...
dreamy.....
I'll take it
Yes please
I laughed out loud picturing Andy getting into this bed!
A nap could last all day in this one.....
Ok enough oogling over other people's style....I need to focus on the mattress. But here's my question-how do you determine what kind of mattress works for you? I know I've slept on different kinds because some seem soft or hard or sink-in-able. Going to shop for mattresses will be hard to do with the boys, this I know, so if we ever get the chance to leave the boys for an afternoon to go test out mattresses I will need advice. Sitting or even test laying on a mattress will not give me enough info. How do you know which is best for your personality, body shape, sleep patterns etc? I don't want to invest in something that will make my back worse....any advice?
Tonight I have a friend who is experiencing the strip in Vegas for her first time. She is wearing purple (my favorite color) and is smiling huge- I'm sure. She is a mom but is hopefully getting her fill of wine tonight instead of her normal fill of whine. I'm waiting patiently for her texts so I can live vicariously through her, because tonight I'm just a mom.
Andy just walked out the door. I asked for an extra hug before he left. It's just been one of those days. So here I sit, at the kitchen table, with the lap top to blog. The I-pad to play words with friends (Lame-o on a Friday night) a glass of wine and the Christmas cards to address. Tonight, on a Friday night, I'm just a mom.
Today I watched this video and then spent some time contemplating. Blogging. Erasing. And texting with a friend who saw it completely different. It's a thinker. That's all I'll say because no matter how much it made me think-I'd never give up this job of being just a mom.
One of the best moments of my day was when Eli agreed to do a puzzle race with me. I know it's not a manicure, or a movie or a shopping excursion. He's a boy and I'm just a mom.
Today I said some mini prayers for my nephew who had surgery again. I wonder how he's recovering and I also wonder how his mom is doing. That's just what mom's do-worry about other kids and their mom's.
Today the boys and I went to visit Andy at work during his lunch break. I can do that on my days off because that is when I'm just a mom.
Tonight we put off our planned outdoor Christmas Jingle Bus activity because Hughie has a little cold. I want it getting better before it gets worse. Maybe we'll venture out tomorrow. I didn't tell Eli anything about it because if you are just a mom you know that letting the littles in on the plans only makes it harder to change them.
Tonight Bailee seemed nervous and scared. She sat by me with her little warm body touching my leg. I have no idea what was making her skittish-but I'm also just her mom so I let her cuddle.
Today I got an email from someone in my life (I wish to keep anonymous) and it was just the medicine I needed. I read it on the I-pad, propped it up on Andy's pillow and laid in bed STARING at the message while I waited for the boys to fall asleep and finally be quiet.
" Every day something happens with my kids that frustrates me and then I think of you and what a strong woman you are. I don't want to be the same mother as you but I try every day to be as tough as you. It's hard work we have. Thanks for being someone I can look up to and ask for advise. Sorry these last two days have been so hard but you will get through and somehow you seem to always learn from your experiences. Hang in there. Hope Hugh gets better soon and Eli's phase ends soon too".
This e-mail was perfect in the moment. It still is at 7:30 pm when the littles are deep in slumber and once again quiet. It reminds me of one thing. I need to change the way I word things.
Take out the word JUST.
I'm a mom.
Hardest job on the planet.
And I'm doing it!
We had a great Thanksgiving this year. It was low key and relaxed with minimal travel. Hughie slept in a new spot and did well! I enjoyed lots of food, wine, a 5k turkey trot and games with family. It was heart breaking to Eli and myself that my sister and her family couldn't make it at the last minute. But we were all so excited to meet Fox. See below. (I know this is a lot of pictures but I'm mostly posting so my sister can feel like she was there with us)>
Eli helped my mom with the turkey
Hughie was fed by many different hands
Eli needed extra attention since his cousins weren't there
We missed Ed's bloody mary bar. But my dad tried his best. Does your Thanksgiving bar look like this?
Eli loved Grandpa Bob's new horse
Liz did too.....
Eli wanted cousin Emma to sit by her at dinner and dessert
The gals
Meet Fox
Hughie cuddles with Fox
Fox in the middle of it all
The walk after the meal. Everyone hold hands. You too Fox...errr...hold tails?
A closer look. Eli didn't want Fox feeling left out.
So thankful for a fun, relaxing weekend with my brother and his family, my parents but we missed the W family. Let's all stay healthy for the next big holiday.
The 9th month has us moving right along, quite literally. Hugh is extremely difficult to photograph. (My lil point and shoot camera doesn't help the cause as it takes too long to actually take the picture.) Hugh wants to move and shake his way through every picture which makes the shots with a flash really bright and shiny and the shots without the flash all blurry. But I am not giving up on monthly legging shots.
This month Hughie:
-crawls fast and furious
-pulls to a stand and doesn't know how to sit down
-claps
-attempts "Sooooo big"
-Still takes 2 naps/day, is asleep around 7 pm and up by 7 am
-eats 3 meals each day and added dry toast and cut up noodles to his diet
-says "uh oh" and "ohhhhh"
-also makes mamama, dadada and nananana noises
-continues to cry if I walk through the room without picking him up
-pulls at cords and turns around to smirk at you when you say "no touch"
He is feisty and lovable. Determined and low key. Scheduled and unpredictable. Smiley but teething. Baby soft but a sticky mess. Quiet as a mouse and louder than all of us combined. Stubborn and selfish but caring and aware.
Hugh is not:
-sleeping through the night
-completely done nursing
-walking
-saying mama to me
-contained easily (he no longer wants to sit in the exosaucer, his "runner" or his jumperoo in the doorway)
-afraid of dogs
I couldn't get a better tush shot
Statistically Hughie is
30.25 inches which puts him at greater than the 100%ile (He's tall!)
19 lbs 2.5 oz which puts him at the 41st %ile for weight
And his head is right around the 75th%ile
Today I emailed my sister about my experience taking Hughie to his 9 month doctor appoinment. It was a pretty benign appointment except for the emotionally scarring (for me) blood draw at the end. I ended up writing less about Hugh and more about his older brother. I had to drag Eli along for the appointment and I am always quite anxious about this. I explained to Eli in the car the rules-that this was an appointment for Hughie and my listening ears were screwed in tight so I could hear all that Dr. B needed to say. The email to my sister went into greater detail about Eli in the waiting room, in his glory-gobbling humus off his fingers. Maybe it was the way I described the situation but it most likely had to do with the stories she has heard about him lately (some more humorous than others) but she responded "Hilarious. What I'm looking forward to for Thanksgiving is Eli. Just Sayin".
That comment in her email made my day. Eli is a complete joy. He has such a little magic about him. He has a spark with spunk. But he sucks the life out of me some days because he says my name too many times in one breath and is so busy busy busy. To have someone else say they were looking forward to seeing him--made me happy. And I bet my sister didn't even know how that her one small comment oozed right into my heart.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone is thinking about me. Do you ever think about that? I spend my day thinking about so much stuff and my mind often wanders over to friends and family. Some more than others, but always everyone. Eventually everyone crosses my mind.
And just when I'm feeling low, down, tired, sad....someone thinks of me and lets me know it. They may not even know that their small gesture made my day, but it does. A small text, a random e-mail, a phone call, a letter in the mail etc. One day I got an email from my sister in law who I will be finally getting to see this weekend and all she wanted to say was that she was excited to hang out with my sister and I. Who doesn't love to get that? Sometimes it's a text from a friend who is having a rough day and just wants to vent. Other times it's a message from a friend in Texas who is just checking in. Sometimes someone sends a picture that they want to share with me. It's important. And it's easy.
So as I read all the blog posts and facebook status updates about what others are thankful for, I just want to take a minute to also be extra thankful-for all the people in my life. ALL of them. And I want to give you a little reminder. It doesn't get old to hear someone say thank you-so say it more often. It never hurts to tell someone you are thinking of them-so make the effort-even if it's a fleeting thought. They may be having a terrible day, an ok day, or a great day. But to get a hi, hello, how are you, I am thinking of you...may just make someones day. Be aware of how far your small gesture could go. It may pull someone out of bed, out of the hole or funk they are in. It may remind them what they are worth, that they aren't alone and that they should pay it forward by reaching out to someone as well. I've spent some time with numerous lonely patients at work. Sometimes the rapport I form with them is not through the nutrition advice I give them, but the instead the attention I give them when they are alone, scared and sick. Sometimes it's awkward, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's frustrating-but that extra step you can take to tell someone that their name and face walked through your mind---is worth so much.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Eat your way through the day.
(Hughie's 9 month update will be coming after the Holiday).
Last night was the worst. It was almost as if he was bucking the system. He was mad that we took him to a specialist. We got a glimpse of the future. This is how I imagine a teenager would react.
-Don't try to figure me out. Just let me do my thing. IIIIIIII'llllll do it.
Uh-uh little boy. We need to figure this out. This mama needs her sleep.
But last night was really stressful.
After a 5 page sleep/eating/lifestyle questionnaire and much interviewing from the doctor, we found out that everything appears normal. I went right to work after the appointment and when I came home exhausted he decided to wake every 5 minutes for at least two hours. I know you think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. Sometimes he would cry for 30 seconds, sometimes it lasted 10 minutes, therefore I don't think it was a full 24 wakings in 2 hours but very very close.
It pullllled at my heartstrings. But it caused my teeth to grit grit grit. There wasn't a whole lot of poking or prodding at the appointment so there couldn't be any new pain. Was he over tired? Is he still teething? Were his jammies pulling in a funny spot? Did he lose his nuk? Was his tummy bothering him?
It wasn't much different than (every) previous night. It was just worse. Instead of every 20-45 minutes, it was every 5 minutes. I listened with a glistening glass of wine in my hand. But I could not relax.
I reminded myself of what the specialist said. This is normal. We all wake up 6-8 times a night. However we all know how to self soothe and turn over comfortably. They even informed us that it's normal for him to wake up 9 times in the first 3 hours (which is what we came up with when we tracked his waking periods the other night). Therefore last night Andy and I were supposed to feel normal after 15-24 wakings in 2 hours. Right? I tried to remind myself of all the things that the doctor said-she thought we were such a nice, normal couple. She actually told us that! Compared to other families they see-we are doing alllll the right things. We didn't get a single suggestion. Just confirmation that this is what we will live with for the time being.
It's always good to walk away with a clean bill of health. I won't overlook that. I was relieved that there wasn't any extra testing ordered --because I've been through all that with big brother and I don't want to find anything else out. It is what it is. So watch out world-be prepared that sleep deprivation for this mama---may last a while longer. Can I make it through the holidays where we will share a room with this little zombie for multiple nights in a row? I wonder if I could be a better mama to big brother, a better wife, a better employee, friend, daughter, sister and Raina if I had a few weeks of uninterrupted sleep.
Please, please, please don't give up on me. Hold tight. I'll be back. The me that you know-she's still in there. He'll be there too-well rested and smiling (and probably a full mouthful of teeth to go along with it). I long for that day that I wake up and look at the clock and smile realizing I slept a good few hours in a row. All I want for Christmas is.....8 hours of sleep. In a row. For 8 days in a row!
The work I do is emotionally draining. I have learned not to let too many in. But a few slip in and when they don't make it through Christmas I struggle.
I have good job security and I love being part time. Bottom line: I hate this disease.
I'm frustrated because I can't get a handle on lil Hugh's sleep issues.
Tomorrow we will visit a sleep disturbance, deprivation, disorder clinic where we hope a specialist can shed some light on what is happening all--night---long. Bottom line: I'm tired.
I adore nursing.
I hate pumping.
I am losing my supply. Bottom line: Will I have the opportunity to do this again?
We have had so much fun borrowing a video monitor to watch what was going on with Hughie at night. Now we are attempting to watch Eli and catch him in the "act"at night. He usually gives us a REAL run for our money. Tonight Andy and I sat with smiles while we watched him blink, move around and continuously repeat the same thing. No not "dad". No not "I need water". No not "I want to get up" (all the usual). Tonight he repeated "Raina" for at least 20 minutes.
Although it's been fun, I can see the addiction of watching your child and sometimes it feels as if we have been invading their privacy. Bottom line: I can't live without technology, and I'm not always happy to live with it either.
Giving a bath to these boys is difficult for 1 adult.
A bath for these 2 boys is fun. Bottom line: They are too cute, all nudy and wet and soapy and slippery.
I'm already hungry for Thanksgiving dinner. It is my favorite holiday.
It's frightening that Christmas is right around the corner. Bottom line: I'm a total holiday nerd and I'm ready to get in the spirit early this year.
When the work day is over I practically run to the car. I can't get home fast enough and see my boys.
When I get home I want to snap at all the chaos. Bottom line: I need to slow down and enjoy that all 3 of my boys want my attention the moment I walk through that door.Someday nobody may care or even notice that I am home.
When I walk down the hall and I'm texting a friend and I pass someone else and they are texting a friend-there is no eye contact. I'm sad that technology is getting in the way of human contact.
But...I love getting texts messages and pictures and emails, it keeps me closer to far away friends and family. Imagine how little of your life you would be able to share with others 25 years ago. Would you show up on time because you couldn't text to say you were running late? Would you ever get to see your best friends 1st child smothered in their 1st birthday cake? Do you think you would have gotten daily updates on your brothers first/new pet? Would you pay dollar after dollar to print out pictures where the lighting was wrong or inevitably someone in the group had their eyes closed? Bottom line: I can't imagine what life will be like in 20 years and what I will say "I can't believe I lived without ______".
I love tacos.
I never know what to serve with tacos. Bottom line: who doesn't love tacos?
When I returned to work after my Hughie-Maternity leave, my coworker introduced me to this song. I LOVED IT.
I'm disappointed I didn't share it with you back then, because any day now it will be considered over played as it becomes more and more popular on the radio. Bottom line: Go check it out. NOW! DO IT! I actually like the video too.
I fear that if I complain about something, people may think I'm not as happy as I am.
I'm afraid that if I bottle things up, people will think I'm happier than I am. Bottom line: I'm the perfect amount of happy.
