Dear Dad,

Dear Da-Da,Please don't leave for a night again.
I missed your fun. Everything about you is fun.
I know that your return has it's perks. Like I get to fly high.
But I like you here every night.
Love,
Elijah

CAW meets ABBY

Two of my great friends.They each had a baby.

The two babies met.They didn't talk.
They didn't kiss.
They didn't even open their eyes.
But I think they are dating!

Fat

Eli has a fat roll.
Just one.
It's on one of his legs but not the other.
Of course being the worrywart that I am-I didn't realize it was just a fat roll. I was worried there was something wrong with it since it was only on one of his legs. Daddy to the rescue- Andy said "Raina, it's just a fat roll".
Then I got excited.
Although I try to cherish Eli's small size (easier to carry, fits in clothes longer etc etc) seeing the fat rolls just makes me smile! You can't see it in these pictures because it's on his upper thigh-but it's truly there folks!

Dear Charley,

Last weekend was so much fun. I wanted to write to you and let you know that I am so proud of you. You were my first nephew and if that wasn't special enough, I got the honor of being your god mother. You will always have a very special place in my heart and my life.But last weekend....that special place got bigger and stronger when I got to see you play soccer!

I know that you are just starting out but it was so fun to stand on the sidelines and cheer you on. From the warm up before the game started, to the pep talk your coach gave you, to watching you cheer on your teammates that scored goals, to the end when you slapped high fives to the opposing team. I remember years and years of Saturday morning soccer with my mom and dad on the sidelines cheering me on. I know that your mom and dad and Henry are rooting for you every week. I know that if you decide that soccer is your sport you'll be a superstar. And if not, I'll cheer you on no matter what it is that you decide to do.I hope to make it to at least one game each season! Make sure you and your momma hold me to it! You're growing up so fast and I hate being so far away. I feel like I miss a lot of moments. BUT! When we do see each other it's always a very special time. I love your little giggles and each and every one of your "You know what?" moments. I am in awe of the great big brother that you are, how smart you've become, polite, well rounded eater and overall a kind hearted spirit.
LOVE YOU!
GO TIGERS!
Love,
Aunt Raina

Dirty Boy Curls

Elijah's got em.



After a long day-the curls came out under his baseball cap. And it made me want to eat him up!!!!!

The Swell

When you become a parent you promise yourself something.

You tell yourself you will be a great mom, always calm, understanding, loving etc etc.
You want things for your children. You promise to do anything to help them get there-that place that you want them to be.

I told myself I would do anything in my power to get Elijah to love reading books, eat lots of different foods, be a good friend, laugh a lot... and the list goes on.

When you become a parent you also accept that eventually you will have to let go. You will not live with that baby forever. Eventually he or she will grow up to be a student, a team member, a boy/girl scout, a club member, a band member an employee, a homeowner, a husband or wife and maybe even a parent. This means they will move on and not live with mom or dad anymore. That is really hard to accept. I can't picture Elijah not in my eyesight. I want to know everything about him forever! I want to know what he does all day at day care, I want to be there for all his accomplishments, to see all his smiles, every single one of his laughs and joys. I never want to see him hurt or in pain.

When Elijah was born he had extra troubles and stayed in the hospital for extra long. That was one of the worst things a new mom should/could have to go through. And I can remember it like it was yesterday. While I went through times of grief, anxiety, happiness, love, guilt, anger, doubt....I told myself NEW promises.
I would never let him out of my sight.
I would watch his every breath.
I would smile after every dirty diaper.
I would kiss him every chance I could get.
I would never yell in his presence.
I would give him only foods he loves to gobble.
I would clap extra loud at baseball games.
I would read him his favorite story over and over again.
I would play cars until the cows came home.
It wouldn't matter if he did this or that, the right thing the wrong thing. As long as he was breathing and home with me.

5 days after he was home-I was home alone with him (and Bailee). I thought he was breathing funny. When in the hospital he was always hooked up monitoring his temperature, breathing, oxygenation, heart rate etc etc etc. Andy and I knew it would be hard to not be able to monitor his oxygen level when we got home. Usually when he was nursing his O2 sats would drop because that was when he usually dipped (went low) and forgot to breathe. That Friday ( I remember it so clearly) I felt like he was breathing funny. It just felt off to me. The more I tried to monitor it, the more crazy I got about it. This was my fear. (Not that he would actually have difficulty breathing) but that I WOULD be crazy about it. That I would be obsessed with his breathing pattern and his color. That I would hope for those machines so I could see the normal numbers.

But I didn't have those machines.

I couldn't just check the numbers or = ask the nurse if he was ok. It was up to me. As a mom. To watch and monitor his color and his breathing --JUST like any other new mom. So what did I do? Andy was at work so I called MY mom. I cried and told her I was worried about his breathing. But even worse-I didn't want to be "this" way. I didn't want to be worried about his breathing. I just wanted to be fine and NOT worry about it. I wanted to worry if I was breast feeding correctly, or if I was putting the diaper on correctly. I didn't want to wonder what the readings would be if he was hooked up to those machines when I didn't have them. We had been home for 5 days.
For 5 days I didn't worry about his breathing obsessively like Andy and I thought/knew we would.

And here it was. The time had come. My mind was racing, my heart was pumping, I was crying, sobbing, talking to myself wondering what I was doing. My mom told me "You will NEVER regret bringing your child to the doctor if they tell you nothing is wrong. Just call your pediatrician." So I called the doctor. They told me if I was REALLY worried about it I should take him to Children's Hospital right away.

Then I knew....I just needed to calm down.

He was fine. Just fine.

They (those miracle doctors/nurses) would not have let us go home if they thought he would have real troubles breathing. So I took a few breaths. I called my mom back and told her I needed a distraction. I took Eli to my work. My work? Why would I go to work? Well, it's connected to Children's hospital, and he needed labs drawn anyways so if I brought him there for something not related to his breathing and things seemed funny-at least we'd be there. So that's what I did. And I also got to visit with my co-workers. Take my mind of the anxiety. And he was fine. Is fine. Is JUST fine.
Better than fine. He is thriving. Starting to wave bye-bye. Starting to walk while holding on to things. Getting bigger. Smiling when he's told NO. Crawling EVERYWHERE. Trying to pull on cords and knock over lamps and electronics. Sleeping on his tummy. Putting everything in his mouth. Breathing and BEING normal. And I love it.
But can I leave him out of my sight? Last month Andy and I went away for the weekend. That was harder on me than on him. He goes to daycare every day. And sometimes I leave to go to the store but usually if Elijah is home, I'm home. Today though....sparked this blog.

I have a friend who told me via email that it is ok to reflect back to what happened. Even though she didn't say it in these words, I feel like she gave me permission to journey back to those times when Eli was in the hospital, when I was feeling helpless and hopeful, and to feel sorry for myself. It's normal to have that a year later.

Today we had a family day. We went to garage sales. Took naps. And then....Just to show how NORMAL life can be even after a terrifying and traumatic experience (yes a year ago)....I realized today that I CAN let go of Eli. It is what helps him grow. And not only does it help him but it helps me too. It helps me to realize how fun he is. How strong he is. And how strong I am.
And he won't be healthy if Andy and I aren't normal.
So today, we set up the "play pen" on the deck and let him play by himself while I worked in the garden and Andy mowed the lawn. I looked on him often, Bailee was surveying the area and I'm sure Andy was glancing. But he played by himself. For a long time. The neighbors came over and there was he was...still pushing that same car and babbling. There were no worries (except-will he choke on that leaf?) but I let go- as I often do, and I don't even realize it.
He is just like every other boy.
He is safe.
Growing.
Healthy.
Happy.
CUTE!
Hungry.
Sleepy.
Playful.
Laughing.
Smiling.
ELIJAH!!!

and that is where the swell comes in.


The feeling in my chest.
The feeling that all mom's get.
The feeling that you may not be able to breathe anymore.

For me it happens when....
he does something new.....
Something smart. Funny. Something glorious. That I'm proud of as a mother. When he attempts to clap. When he drinks his whole bottle. When he laughs with Andy. When he waves bye bye.
It's all so amazing.


When he plays by himself and I stand in the garden watching him, with a big dopey MOM grin on my face, taking a picture with my pink garden gloves on.
Ahh The SWELL.

Exhilaration

Who thinks the zoo is boring?

Up close and personal was so exhilarating.

Elijah and Andy took me to the zoo for mother's day. It was great. Eli got most excited at the polar bear and the fish (of course)! He actually yelled and yelled at that bear to get closer! It was cute.

We also went to PF Chang's for dinner. YUM! Andy and I enjoyed lettuce wraps and a glass of wine. We got our entrees to go because Eli had had enough of that place and couldn't be semi-settled.
The best part-the extra sleep. I got to sleep in and not feel guilty! Thanks BOYS!!!

Another First

This time it was a first for Mom and Dad.
Andy and I attended a wedding in Arizona. Andy had the honor of standing up in his friend Mike "G"'s wedding. He married a beautiful, calm and fun bride, Andrea.

But the "first" was in the leaving Elijah part.
It was my first night away from the E-bug. And man was it hard! Leaving him was the most difficult part. Getting out of the car and walking into the airport was tough for me. I did pretty well for the rest of the trip but I was able to call Grandma Barb to get updates whenever I wanted. Andy and I had a great time and below are pics to prove it.
The trip was:
great but hard
relaxing but stressful
exciting but calm
busy but steady
hot but perfect
nice but scary

Eli seemed to cope really well and seemed confused when we showed up back in his life. But after about a 30 second pause...he was all smiles for Andy and I.

Welcome to the World

CAW!!!!! (Connor Anthony Wawrzyniak)

Ask and you shall recieve....Connor was born the day after my "Waiting Game" post was posted.

OH HOW I LOVE YOU ALREADY..............