I decided to post this on my Moving On Blog versus the Gluten Free side bar because this is me...trying to MOVE ON from stuff-including this Big D.
Denial.
I still can convince myself I don't have Celiac's disease. Literally. I can have a conversation and ask Andy if he thinks I really have it. I laugh as soon as I ask the question because I know it's ridiculous. All the pieces of the puzzle fit. I have all the diagnostic factors. But I haven't accepted it yet. Right now it's just -this thing- I have to deal with. I can't get over it. I can't move on.
Last week was worse than this week-emotionally. I'm not sure why. Maybe because we met with the GI doctor and things got confirmed (again, yes again). This upcoming weekend I will be traveling and out of my house for a few nights. I'm worried. I'm planning ahead and will be surrounded by people who love me. I'm not going to starve in 1 weekend. But I feel like such a normal person to have this disease. I call it "this disease" because I feel so foolish saying it out loud.
The hardest part is just not really feeling much different. I think many can transition to the gluten free diet fast and furious because their symptoms get better. I don't feel much different and I worry that nothing will really change. Yet I'll be forced to do this forever. And sometimes when I get sick I say to Andy "Well, I've been completely gluten free. I must not have it, it must really be colon cancer or something right?". He reminds me of the rum and diet coke I had the night before that may have upset my stomach.
All day long I mutter "Moving on...". It's just a phrase that I use. I use it when I feel emotional or preoccupied by something. I use it after a patient has sucked the life out of me. I use it when I get frustrated with the way I am treated by another human being. I use it after I rant about the things I want to be different in my life. But for this gluten free stuff.....I just haven't been able to say "moving on...". I'm just in denial.
I can be completely honest on this blog. I'm not going to sugar coat it ....this is me. Some may that is a negative outlook.
But I'm not writing my blog for those readers. I'm writing it for me. The me that is in denial.
4 comments:
still love ya rainer! you're one tough chica. i'm just not sure i could do what you're doing! lol but i've been more aware of what you're going through... hearing other people that have it and asking question simply to inquire and hear what other people have to say about it! i ate yogurt today, for the first time ever i think (don't ask why! lol) and i noticed on the container that it was gluten free... lol i thought of you. but seriously, you're tough. hang in there and know i think of you often...
it's ok to be in denial for a while..or maybe every now and then when you're needing to feel like it's not forever. i'm just thankful there is a cure for your disease and that you are so quickly educating yourself. you're sooo celiac smart..but i know that doesn't make you feel any better. hope that you get to acceptance soon...in your own time. it's your journey..you can dictate how it goes. it's YOURS...no one else's!!
pw
Yuck. Shit. Seriously? Really? Why? I don't know. Not fair! You're kidding, right? Miserable. Restrictive. No fun.
These are all things I think of when I think of Celiac Disease.
Funny. Thoughtful. Engaging. Reader. Writer. Advocate. Mother. Wife. Concert goer. Best Friend. Soccer Player. Bailee. Music. Books. Memories. Pictures. Adventures.
These are all the things I think of when I think of YOU.
No wonder you're in denial. The two don't mesh just yet. We need to figure out how to make Celiac disease fun so it fits your personality, not the other way around.
Colleen
It's hard to believe. Like you've said so many times you didn't feel "that sick" just "not right". It crept up on you without warning. You got that darn swine flu and are still recovering from that. It is miserable, bizarre, unreal. Glad you're able to share you thoughts, fears, feelings with all of us that love you. Hope our support helps your journey. We're here to cheer you on or just listen. JG
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