This vs. That

Because I've only been pregnant 1 other time, I can title this post This (current pregnancy) vs. That (my 1st pregnancy).  I've been having a tough time getting myself to sit down in front of this machine and blog at night after work mostly because I'm exhausted by the time I turn it on.  But here I am-after a weekend of working 8+ hours Saturday and Sunday, put Eli down for bed and ate my dinner on the couch while watching the Packers...and ready to blog.

Everyone keeps asking me if anything feels different during this pregnancy.  Any minor difference will warrant the discussion of "Do you think you're having a girl this time then?".  I think the funny thing about having a second pregnancy is that you only have 1 pregnancy to compare it to and That pregnancy was the FIRST pregnancy-so the excitement level is completely different.  The first time around, every little change that happened to my body was exciting, a sign that the little baby was really, truly there.  The excitement was day-to-day.  Thinking about names, baby room, taking a baby class, baby shower, every single doctor appointment, belly button popping, growing belly, feeling the kicks, laying awake dreaming about who the baby will look like etc.  This pregnancy the excitement swells over the things I KNOW to expect about having a tiny baby in my arms and less about the pregnancy junk.  There is so much anticipation in knowing we will watch Eli become a big brother, the growth of our family, the pride and excitement in Andy's eyes, planning another baby room, the smells of new baby and those teeny, tiny baby wails instead of the (sometimes fake) whiny loud big boy cries (Sorry Eli...we're on to you!). 

When I started to get bigger in the BB (baby-belly) area during That prengnacy it became real to me.  When I started to feel kicking and movements, I could finally accept there was a baby in there.  This time around, my BB got bigger, faster. And then I knew what was coming-the poor sleep, the bathroom breaks, the aches and pains.   I have gotten in maternity clothes a lot sooner as my BB has exponentially grown, despite not gaining much extra weight (yet).    I still waited for the first few kicks for This pregnancy, but for different reasons. 
Overall with This pregnancy I have felt more pregnant at an exhilarating speed.  They always say the BB gets bigger faster the 2nd time around and boy-oh-boy is it true for me.  I feel huge.  People are already touching, grabbing and talking in sometimes inappropriate ways about the BB.  But I'm still loving it. 

Last pregnancy I worried about if my baby would have a birthmark on his or her face.  This pregnancy I worry that the baby is alive.  A sad worry for a mom-but before Eli I never really knew anyone to have had a complicated pregnancy or delivery.  About 2 months before Eli was born, a friend of mine went into labor and her little girl had to spend some time in the ICU.  It was scary, but I knew that would never happen to me.  But it did.  And it was traumatic for me.  Imagine sleeping on the floor of a hospital guest room for 5-10 days after your first baby is born.  Your body is recovering and you can finally sleep on your belly or back, but not you-you are on the floor. Showering for the first 2 weeks after labor in the hospital shower, without flip flops, and using shampoo for soap etc (I know some of this was my choice-believe me-I know).   Imagine not getting any sleep those first few nights-not because your baby was crying and nursing, but because doctors were waking you up to tell you what was going wrong with your baby.   Imagine your husband's first Father's Day spent transferring from the nursery to the ICU.  Imagine for the first 24-48 hours of your brand new little one's life you had to ask to be "buzzed in" (for safety for the babies I know) to see your baby.   When you packed your suitcase for your first born-what did you pack? I packed for a happy 2 nights. Instead I stayed for 16 days and didn't have make up or clothes or clean underwear or outfits for that many days for eli either.
I wish I could have lived through it through so many other people. What it felt like to talk to me or andy. What it felt like to wait for news. How it felt to be a new grandparent or aunt? What it felt to be Andy-dealing with me, my emotions, HIS emotions.


You better bet your life that I'm anxious about This pregnancy.  Because we didn't get many answers about the etiology of much of what happened, we just don't feel settled.  It is not so much a worry that the same thing would happen (IUGR or thrombocytopenia) but that SOMETHING can happen.  Since Eli's birth, I've had a few other friends have issues during labor or pregnancy.  I've also had some family and friends have very healthy/normal/text book pregnancies and deliveries.  Being the pessimist that I am, I tend to focus on the scary possibilities.

So THIS time, we have changed OB's. We are having more imaging and keeping a closer watch on This baby.  I changed a few more diet habits in the first trimester.  And Andy and I have talked a lot more about different scenarios and less about baby names.

Andy and I were watching some little girls run around and dance-in all their pink and purple glory.   He said to me "you're hoping for a girl aren't you?".  I tried to explain my real feelings.  To me it does not matter the sex, the color hair or eyes or even size (to some extent).  To me...the real thing I want is for ME to be less anxious once the baby is out.  I want those moments.  And I'm allowing myself to want that out of  This pregnancy.  Because I've been on the other side.  I only know what I can know from my first experience.   I'm letting myself WANT those normal, healthy feelings.  Some people want a girl or a boy-I don't. I want something for ME as a mom.   I want to be more natural with the newborn baby.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to nurse that baby from day 1 without doctors and nurses talking "over" me  and writing orders I don't know about as I'm trying to pump or nurse in an uncomfortable hospital chair.  I want to feel comfortable with everything that goes on in This little ones life.  That's what I want.  I want to make choices and not ask other people questions.  I want these things for myself. For andy. For Eli. and for the baby.   I don't expect 100% smoothness-but I expect comfort, bonding and love.  That's all.   

Eli knows there is a baby on the way.  He likes to pat the baby gently and say goodnight. Sometimes he even gives "it" a kiss. But I know he has no clue.  He doesn't know a thing about what is going to hit him.  And I'm dying for that day to arrive....the count down is on.  

PS Happy Birthday Grandpa BOB!