The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good: My first birthday as a mom!
The Bad: Going back to work.
The Ugly: The health scare Eli had.
Read on for details....but first here are some updated pictures of Eli that I couldn't resist posting. He is 3 months old now.

So I've officially had my first birthday as a mom! And it was great!
It started on Friday night-Andy gave me a nice massage before I went to sleep. That is all I ever want-a nice foot massage and it's free and doesn't need wrapping paper or a bow. Saturday I woke to breakfast in bed (holy crap-my favorite type of donut!). We went for a nice family walk and reminisced about how little Eli was when he was born and how special he is. Andy let me take a nap while he cleaned up the house a bit. Then we ventured out for a really nice dinner at a hibachi Japanese restaurant where I had a glass of wine and got the giggles. I told Andy it was early to bed...but when I got home it sounded like there may have been a Bailee "accident" in the basement. As I yelled "Shit!" I ran downstairs to see what Andy was yelling about and SURPRISE! A whole bunch of my family and friends were there for a fun birthday surprise. HOW SPECIAL!! I turned 29-it wasn't a monumental year. I got a funny card from a co-worker that said:
Muffin tops
Cottage Cheese
Flap-jacks......
Remember when these were just delicious foods? Another birthday and still looking good.

Men may not understand that FUNNY-ASS card!
I thought that was HILARIOUS-THANKS NORA!!! Many put money together and gave me (or Andy and I) the option to get a one time cleaning lady or go to Dinner by Design! Here are a few pics....look at what my husband can pull off!
The Bad: I went back to work on Friday. It was sad and hard. There are just no other words to really describe that. Eli was at home with my mom which made things a bit easier and I had to take him to the doctor mid-day, so I got a chance to see the little guy. I did most of my crying the night before, a little in the morning and none at work! One of my co-workers said "You look so good, I was expecting you to have a puffy face!" A lot of people think it feels good to go back to work and to have some adult interaction--but not me. I hated every second of it. Monday Eli went to Debbie's daycare for the first full day. I only called twice to check on him and I emailed twice as well. Andy did drop off and pick up. Again, my tears were only Sunday night and Monday on the way there. Eli seemed to be happy. On Tuesday when I picked him up from Debbie's her 5 year old daughter was there to say "Goodbye Eli" and he gave her a HUUUUGE smile. I know he'll be happy there. While at work I got paged to the front desk-flowers from my AMAZING husband. I had a lot of support this day.

The Ugly: Monday night, 10:30 pm (was this emergent?)-get a call from Eli's doctor. His bloodwork was back and his platelets were low AGAIN. There was a very long discussion about why, what could the reasons be-many big terms used such as ITP (idopathicthrombocytopenia), inborn error, cancer, infection...enough to make me ball my eyes out when I got off the phone. It wasn't stressful enough that Eli was off to daycare for full days this week and I was back at work hooked up to the breastpump and talking to others about cancer... now I had to worry about my son and his future. The doctor made me stop eating/drinking any dairy and said he was anemic with a low hemoglobin. Soooooooo hard for parents to take this news (anyone see the movie or read the book My Sister's Keeper? YEAH---that feeling). It may not sound that threatening, or maybe it does to you-I don't know. But let me tell you-until you have been in these shoes-you will never know what this feels like. Imagine how sad you are if you hear someone else's child going through this-just think of it being your own child. Immediately Andy and I start trying to figure out why Eli's platelets are low and what are we going to do if he has to be hospitalized and why would the platelets be low and was there that much blood during the bloodraw and why were his platelets low and could we have a child with a medical mystery and why were his platelets low? Alllll the feelings and emotions that we had while he was in the hospital the first 16 days came tumbling right back. It was actually amazing to me how I could so quickly feel the exact same anxiety, fear and sadness that I had once experienced. Calling my mom in the morning was so hard. I cried all the way to work and my walk in. I think it's even harder on my mom and family and friends who don't work in a hospital because it is so difficult to understand some of the terminology and don't know what the scariest parts are. But my mom took the information and shared it with my sister who then supported me the whole time with all my feelings and fears. They both reminded me how awesome Eli is, how healthy he SEEMS and that he is not in any pain. The obsession with Eli's health is elevated when these things happen. I start to get jealous of all the healthy babies out there and all the families who don't' have any health concerns. I start to make deals with whoever...things like- Eli can be right handed if he just gets normal platelets-or I'll give up the idea of going part time if his platelets would just be normal etc etc. I just kept picturing all the different ways that Eli could grow up with different health issues and focused (because I'm a pessimist) on why he couldn't just grow up like my two beautiful nephews....When I am feeding Eli, or changing his diaper I took extra time to investigate his poop, check for red marks or rashes, study the veins in his head and look for possible blood anywhere. When Andy was with Eli, I watch Andy's face for any possible "questioning looks" and I'm right there to find out if something is up. I start to imagine things that could happen when he isn't right there with me-and I have a crazy/wild imagination. When we took him for his next blood draw at Children's, I walked down the long skywalk to the lab. OH MY GOSH-the smell of it made me ill, it was like I felt like I was right back where we started. Crazy terrible. We waited all night for the doctor to call us. Nothing. We prayed and I went to bed early, hoping that would distract me. This was not what I signed up for...to be a parent and not feel happiness, instead feel insecure, worried, full of fear and anxiety. This morning, still no call. At 8:30 I called the doc and requested the results ASAP. I never heard from him, so then I called the hematology nurse from Children's. She called me right back and told me that Eli's platelets were NORMAL! 463,000! halla-fricken-luya...however you spell that. I danced inside of myself and then called everyone who I knew was waiting to hear. A lab error. Unbelievable.

When I picked Eli up from day care today I gave him a high five and told him GOOD JOB making those platelets! He seemed content with himself. On the way home I had the song "Love Can Build a Bridge" on in the background...and I heard Eli cooing in the backseat. I cried for my very very very very NORMAL boy. And just to clarify as I've said before-I would do it all again.