This boy of mine

"You must not expect old heads upon young shoulders."

-English proverb




This boy...

He makes my heart and breaks my heart.  I love him to pieces and pieces and pieces.
I knew having a 2nd child would be hard on him.  He was excited but I don't think he really grasped what it truly meant.  And he still won't know what this brother means for many, many years.  Some day I know he'll thank us, but for now I know he is struggling to understand what it means to share a mom and dad.  He actually has said twice that "Hugh lost his mom and dad".  And looks at us questioningly when we remind him that we are his mom and dad.

Eli has helped with diaper changes and has done very well with understanding when mom has to feed Hugh.  But he has asked to sit in my lap (and has never really done that before) which I think may have been a test to see if I would put Hugh down (which I did) and also asked me to change his diaper instead of daddy-again a request that has never been made.  My sister reminded me (a great tip) that if Hugh starts crying when I'm playing with Eli that I should say out loud "Just a second Hugh, I'm playing with Eli". 

Eli has started to really misbehave.  It is all age appropriate but it hurts my heart that a lot of our interaction deals with us explaining why we don't want him acting a certain way, asking and telling him to stop doing something or even using the time out corner.  Because I have so many hormones after giving birth I will admit that I have cried every day-and always over Eli. I just don't want him to be confused about the amount of love we feel for him. I don't want him to feel replaced, not good enough or "in trouble" all the time.  It's a lesson he has to learn and I don't think his amazing 2.5 year old mind can handle these concepts.  But it's real hard on this mama's heart.  He seems like such a big boy to me now.  But I have to remember his age and realize that his actions are typical, normal and almost expected with all the changes going on.  I have to remind myself (and Andy) that just because there is a newborn in the house, doesn't mean that Eli should start to act like he is 12.  I still want a childhood for Eli, for him to learn things one at a time and to continue with the genuine, unconditional happiness that comes along with being a kiddo.

The other day I read this-and it struck me.  I want to print it out and post it on the refrigerator for me to read over and over and over again.

Anytime we expect more than we should, we are setting ourselves up for failure. This is true in all things and parenting is no exception. When your kids are acting like kids, don't be surprised. It's their job. They are going to do stupid things like attaching a sister's Barbie to a ceiling fan to "see how far she can fly when the rope snaps." They will fight bedtime and green vegetables on principle alone. They will get upset and frightened over "silly" things like monsters and rainstorms. It's our job to take all of that in stride and set boundaries and limitations that will benefit them anyway. Kids are kids and that's how it should be. We shouldn't be trying to stamp that infectious joy and curiosity out of them because we want them to be mature. That will come if and only if we show them what maturity looks like no matter what "childish" things they do.
-Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting and ScreamFree Marriage


On the way home from my aunts house yesterday I cried over his behavior.  I discussed with Andy multiple parenting issues that have come about.  Eli witnessed all of this, although I know he didn't really understand.  He kept saying "Mama, you feel better?".  I was so disappointed in his behavior I kept saying "No, not yet".  He didn't give up.  "Mama, now you feel better?".  Finally....after maybe 10 minutes he said, clear as a bell,  "Mama, let me see a smile".  I couldn't resist-i=I turned and gave him a smile.  It melted my heart.
At dinner he was eating watermelon and he found the smallest, tiniest piece to pick up and eat.  I said "Wow that was a tiny piece of watermelon."  His response melted my heart "It wanted to be in my tummy by the mama watermelon".  So cute. 

I also can't stop reading this blog post-check it out here.  To me it is not about that the 3rd was a girl, or that it was a 3rd.  What strikes me is that the truth behind having more than one child is a gift. A gift to yourself, a gift to the world and even more importantly-a gift to a child you already have.  A sibling is something that may be hard to understand at first, but becomes the best gift a child will ever receive.  Usually a brother or sister is someone you will know the longest in your life-from birth to death which can be sad to think about as a parent because we will age much faster than a younger sibling.  Hugh is a true gift to Eli.  And vice versa.  They will become to each other someone to romp with, be creative and mischievous with, to cheers a beer, chase bunnies, make eyes at each other over mom's yucky dinner, stand up in each others wedding, possibly become a god parent to a niece or nephew, become friends, learn from, laugh with, understand anger through, share share share with and above all else-love. 
The other concept this blog points out to me: a lesson good to learn early-they are not the center of the universe.  I love that Eli has been up until now.  But it's true-I don't want him walking through life thinking he is the center of any universe.  Just as Hugh isn't the center of the universe (although they are both my centers). 
I always tell Andy through my emotional tears that I just don't want Eli to hurt because of this.  I don't want him to be confused about why we have a baby.  But I also want him to learn this lesson-that he is no less to us, but will become so much more every single day whether or not he has a sibling or not.  And I remind myself to look at it from Hugh's perspective.  There is a LOT that Eli got to experience that Hugh will never.  Hugh will never be "an only" or "the first".  Eli will always be the one who brought us the joy of bragging about every little thing.  Hugh's accomplishments will still mean the same joy-but may not be shared as much.  Hugh will wear a lot of Eli's clothes and use a lot of Eli's toys-he will have less "new" and will never know what i t means to not have to share (attention, toys, bath etc).  We will do our best to make Hugh feel all the special that he truly is-taking pictures of just him (without big brother), signing him up for things that Eli did not participate in etc.  This past weekend we started this by doing a special photo shoot in our dining room.

(more pictures to come).

So dear Eli,

 please know that I will still check on you in your bed every night, you will still be my baby, my first baby and now my boy.  I am still completely excited about every single one of your accomplishments and can't bear to miss any of your simple and not so simple moments.  Things are changing but nothing is being taken away from you.  Go be the big brother that you are and I'll be there every step of the way.   

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