Dear Mr. Elijah Casey,
Oh how many times can I say no to you in one night? I didn't count today but it felt like too many.
I love you!
Sincerely,
Your mama
To the rest of you mom's out there-why is it that "no" becomes the main word in your vocabulary as your sweet lil ones learn the ropes?
I have tried re-wording my sentences and changing the "tone"
-Let's go over here!
-Please keep it closed!
-Can you try this?
-We should hold on to our toys.
-Please sit on your butt.
-Put it on your tray, not the floor.
There is only so long that I can be "nice mommy" before it turns into threats (FYI-these are things that are said after multiple attempts with wording such as above):
"Do not feed the dog or your done"
"It will be night-night time if you rip the page out of that book before I get over there"
"Sit on your butt or bath time is over"
"No more toys if you throw them"
And I know he is age appropriate. And I know he may not understand everything I'm saying. Sometimes I even laugh after I've said it thinking it would be hilarious if he DID understand what I just said.
And I'm just not sure what to do. I've read in parenting books and magazines that it's ok to teach your children in simple sentences when they are Eli's age. I read that it's not good to say "No" without trying to indicate why you are saying no. One of my co-workers said that she feels she says no to her kids all the time as well and was going to work on saying "Yes you may!" at least once a day. When she said this to me I oh-so-naturally nodded in agreement. I felt that too!
I think the hard part for me (and possibly other mothers) is that after working an 8-10 hour day I get home and want to see my little boy smiling, giggling and obeying because that is easier on me. But being a mom was never supposed to be "easy" and therefore it's a struggle to stay calm, be organized, get out of my work clothes, feed him, bath him, change him, sing and read to him and play with him without saying the dreaded word "no". I have to remember he has also had a day-good, bad or otherwise. He also experienced frustrations, fatigue, rules and maybe even counted the minutes until he could be home with his family. The way he acts at night is different than in the morning as he is tired in the evening and ornery kids are usually a bit more sensitive. It tests me-oh boy does it test me. Regardless of the mood I never fail to give him tons of hugs and kisses and thank goodness I do because once he is sleeping I am a big bag of guilt and sadness when I realize that my time with him is done for the night.
I wish he was still awake.
I wish he could snuggle with me for an hour.
I wish I could lay next to him and stare at those precious chubber cheeks, give him as many kisses as I wanted when I can finally relax and un-wind from my day.
That 1-3 hour time frame I have with him at night before he goes to bed is stressful for the whole family and is not what I always want it to be. I wish I could spend all 1-3 hours on the floor playing, laughing, saying YES, reading books, teaching and singing. It's something I need to work on-giving him all of me, all my attention. I know this is what he wants and needs. Instead it's usually spent trying to make dinner, make phone calls that I can't make while I'm at work, running errands or getting groceries, dealing with the dog, checking the mail, starting the laundry, paying the bills etc (there is NO time to fit in a workout!). The first step for me is identifying that I need to be patient with him. I'm the grown up-he's the child. He needs love and I need to give it or I won't sleep. Looking for some tips...from any mom's who've been in my predicament!
I wonder how many times my mom had to say "No" to me (sorry Grandma Barb!).
3 comments:
I say don't look at it as "threats" but more like "bargaining" or "consequences to his actions." This method has worked wonders in our house and we probably started with it around Eli's age even though Simon probably didn't really get it for a while yet. After you follow through enough they really start to understand it and it stops behavior issues better than anything else I've come up with. Not sure if it's acceptable in the books though :) As for the rest, I am 100% positive you are making the most out of every minute you have with him!! He is lucky to have you!
hmmm...that time of the day is hard and a struggle for all parents, whether you have been with or away from them all day. I think everyone is tired and has things they want from those last hours of the day.
I think you are right on track looking at the things that you feel you need to get done and maybe take a second to jot down what REALLY needs to get done while Eli is awake. Then once he is sleeping take 20 minutes to do a few of those things off the list. There might be ways of checking some of those things off by involving Eli...he could help put Bailee's food in his dish, or throw the mail away as you go through it.
Not feeling guilty once they go to bed is hard but if you didn't feel that so much you might get more done those initial moments after he is in bed.
As for saying no. There is an excellent book you could get from the library called Kids, parents, and power struggles. TONS in there to give you ideas. Follow through is key. firmness. and yes, like you said trying to reword things. If you tend to use the word no then try to follow it up with an enthusiastic yes suggestion....like "No, we don't throw toys. But YES you can throw this ball." "No we don't play with that but you can play here." Just might be easier than trying to take the NO out all together. I have heard that saying No can take away from the times when you really mean no ..like running out into the street etc. But it is SOOOO HARD!
The fact that you are thinking about this, are aware of this, give it thought, and are trying different strategies means you are a GREAT mom. It is all about trying and figuring out what works.
Like T up above said...he is lucky to have you!
I totally understand. I was in this cycle too, until Matt went to a conference and I was a single working mom for five days. You know what happened....I didn't have Matt to watch or play with Jack while I did the laundry, paid the bills, fixed dinner, etc after I got home from work and before Jack went to bed. Because I knew I was the only one to watch Jack, that's just what I did. I watched him, played with him, hugged him, sang to him. After he went to bed I felt good about our time and I went about my night doing only the things that NEEDED to be done but doing it peacefully. I like Sarah's suggestion about having Eli help you with tasks. I tried that last night: I gave Jack some junk mail while I sorted the mail so he could crinkle it up...but it just ended up in a big wad in his mouth with me fishing it out! :)
I don't know how it is the days that you have to work 10 hours...those would be rough because you can't get up any earlier to get some things done and when you get home it's so late. Just focus on Eli those nights and everything else will fall into place.
Colleen
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